nebulous night.

well its 10pm && I'm still in a crappy mood. todays just been bad && I think a lot of it has to do w being on the childrens floor this admission. I used to prefer it here.. I mean the rooms are way nicer, but they actually treat me like an adult up there. plus there were a few specific ppl I was looking forward to not seeing anymore && of course I've already seen like all of em && its only my 3rd day being here! I'm just all sick && negative && irritable lately. I hate it....

I've never really put this out there before but I've read of some other cf'rs feeling this way before too.. I know I come into the hospital often. && as I'm used to it, I'm sure my family && friends are too. but even though I may be used to it, it doesnt mean I like it && am okay w being here alone. it really hurts my feelings when I dont hear from anyone even to say "hey" or get visited. I used to have set regulars come to see me && now my friend Andrew, my mom, my sister, && my boyfriend are the only ones who come every. single. time. I try to brush it off like its nothing but its really hard && lonely being in here by myself all the time. yeah I want the nurses to leave me alone, but not my friends && family. it especially hurts when certain family members dont make an effort to at least ask me how I'm doing. I know no one knows I've felt this way because I dont feel like I have the right to speak up about it. idk, sometimes I just wanna straight up ask ppl why dont they come to visit but in my mind its no ones fault but partially mine that I'm here, so I cant. ppl have given me the "you know I'd visit, but I hate hospitals" excuse countless times but seriously, who doesnt? its not like I love it. I have to be here.

I really hope I can stay in here for the whole stay this time! insurance kicked me out last time && I had to finish at home. it went fine, I just didnt particularly enjoy doing it. made me all anxious && we slept thru a dose once. wasnt too big of a deal, but still.



good thoughts. good vibes. good wishes. && so it is.
xx