i've got a secret....

....but ii cant && wont tell! ..yet ;)


soo. apart from my new style of typing, i'm pushing myself to do more treatments during the day. which is new for me. shouldnt be, sad ii know, but it is. deal w it :)
anyways, i'm trying for 3x a day. vest + cayston 3x a day, that is. pulmozyme once still (even though my dr said it can be done twice .. ii would be ordering it all the damn time if ii did that). && hts twice still. i'm hoping that it will increase my lung function to a number that will be "comfortable" enough for me on a daily basis. i'm so uncomfortable right now && all i'm doing is sitting here. typing.
ii did just attempt to tidy up my room, however. it really raised my heart rate && ii barely did much. picked up trash, rearranged some stuff, rearranged kitty's food/water, put clothes away, etc.

cant wait for our change....

the past 48hrs i've required oxygen pretty much the whole time. && ii really dont mind it. kinda wish ii was allowed to use it 24/7. def would make my life just a smidgen easier. but.. i'm not there. YET. however, since ii used it for quite awhile, it has helped. ii feel much better. i'm more positive, new outlook on this thing, feel like ii can breathe better (that may also be because i'm finally allowed breathing treatments .. H0SPITAL F00LS). the whole 2weeks ii was in, my dr wouldnt give me my breathing treatments. who does that?! he's really pissing me off lately. no way am ii letting that happen again! cuz it feels like those 4antibiotics didnt do a damn thing for me. not without any breathing treatments. idk how he could be so irresponsible.

so i've started something today. on tumblr, insta, && twitta! its called the ddlovato project && ii edited all of the pics && thought of all of the quotes. ii got the idea just from following +Demi Lovato's life w battling self-image issues/cutting patterns. she's so strong && i'm obsessed w her! i'll post the pic ii posted earlier:

soo lastnight michael took me on a date night && we went out to see TH0R2! it was UHmazing!!!! he's just so hawt. && then we ate at red robin :) it felt so nice to just have a legal beer w dinner. yumm.


NetFlix recommendations: one tree hill

good wishes. good vibes. good thoughts. && so it is.
xx

I call this "the trifecta of life."

first of all, its currently 5:22am && I'm doing my "night" treatment. the vest is going && all I can think is.. "to whoever created this thing, thankyou. you're a life saver. but also, I hate you. && this contraption."

//

mistakes. changes. moving on.

first up, mistakes. no one has the right to judge me. my mistakes have included a lot of health concerning stuff.. like: not always taking my daily meds, not doing my morning treatment, not going outside to take a walk, not giving into advice w health benefiting techniques, not always brushing my teeth, keeping my bloodsugars way too high, staying up way too late, trapping myself in my bedroom all day, not taking insulin as directed, letting my nose/almost polyps situation get out of hand, not being proactive w transplant testing, && finally (&& possibly most importantly), not fixing my mindset on how all of this is effecting me && my mental state. 

to my family&&friends reading this right now, keep in mind that all of these mistakes I've listed run thru my mind all damn day. I think about every single one all the time && they never slip my mind for one second. I really wanted to work on them from the very beginning, but the reality of my situation, that I call my life, brings me down more than it uplifts me. && so I lack motivation&&dedication to fix any of the things that I originally would want to prevent. xx

next? changes. admitting my mistakes is one of the first steps toward making my changes in life && health. I've already made some changes in the right direction on my own. I've started brushing my teeth everynight (not good enough, I know), been lowering my bloodsugars a bit, making myself do my night treatment no matter the time to actually get a treatment in for the day, backing off on the nose/polyps situation, && lastly - working on changing my attitude towards how things are going for me right now && trying to not let anyone effect my mood/how I act/what I do w myself.

last: moving on.

//

just finished up my treatment w cayston. I'm a little late w it cuz it was my first dose this month && as y'all know, its the 13th.. it feels like I havent done it in soo long. months fly by when you think back.. but when I look back at this, its different. && my meds usually arent like that. typically it always feels like I'm taking some pills or doing a treatment && so it comes to that time && you're like "ugh! I literally just did this.. didnt I?" 

//

I just want to give a shoutout to the 4 most important ladyfriends in my life right now :)

( Morgan, Hayley, Courtney, Jessica )

Morgan && Hayley are cysters of mine && I can literally talk to them about anything! I've gotten close w both very recently && us CF'rs can just click instantly over the aspect of CF alone. but since we go thru pretty much the same crap all day, everyday we connect on a really close level :)

Courtney && Jessica are both very important girls to me. they dont exactly know what I go thru w my CF on a personal level, but they try the best that they can. && they're always there for me making sure I know :)

I love you so much ladies !!!!

 ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

good wishes. good vibes. good thoughts. && so it is.

xx