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I feel sad && I reach for my pills.
not the kind you want, but the kind you need.
they are the sure product of lacking will.
I do not take these by choice, by any means.

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yellow && green wash down my throat by water.
so many thoughts running thru my mind.
will this anxiety ever be slaughtered?
anxiety I do not wish to harm you, but will you be so kind?

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motivation is the driving force behind this experiment.
if I fail at this, what will it mean?
&& if I win, I’ll need to know where it went.
I wont stand for it creeping back up on me.

NTD.

Quick Update.

well I'm in the hospital again && I've been here a week. but I'm about to get out! && not only will I be going home, but without homeIVs :) no need

when I got admitted, it was mainly because of my anxiety. my anxiety is so powerful over me, I hate it. but my doctors up'd basically all of my anxiety meds && I've been feeling a lot better.


the internet has been a lot more cooperative lately soo thats a major plus. I came in w more movies/tv shows already on my comp than last time, but still.. when all you do is sit here, watching things gets really old && you can blow thru so much in like no time at all. 

the nurses have been kind of weird this admission.. or maybe its me. I know I've been a little different. I've been way more paranoid than I usually am. so I've been questioning a lot of their methods. but I dont think what I've been questioning is all that bad. like.. 2 of my meds run every 8hrs right? well they dont wait that long. I understand the 1hr before/1hr after window that they can give (even though I dont agree w it), but they once ran a dose only 6hrs after the last one ran. && for an every 12hr dose of an inhaled med, the RT tried to give it to me only 5 && a half hrs after I did the last one.... that kind of stuff freaks me out because they give those directions for a reason soo how can you change that?

my babe stayed the night w me lastnight :) he showed up w a rose && lots of treats! we watched our shows/movies, cuddled, && talked. it was perfect.
 
good wishes. good vibes. good thoughts. && so it is.
xx

I'm back :)

hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllo, friends.
I know its almost been 3weeks but I just got my resources back!


so since my last blog entry.. I got out of the hospital, turned 21, went to see +Taylor Swift in concert, && am having more panic attacks lately. YAY

when I got out of the hospital, I was doing just fine health-wise. up until I left for my concert, that is. I wasnt really feeling that much run-down already, but the junk I was coughing up was a color that I had never seen come out of me before. so it worried me && I called my dr the morning we were leaving for tacoma. he put me on cipro + minocycline. I kind of really suck at taking them at home, but I try really hard! they also drop my bloodsugar (causing some anxiety) soo that sucks.... BIGTIME.

..soo for my bday my mama surprised me w a family dinner at red robin, followed by a spontaneous 21 run w my siblings..

the concert was UHmazing!! I went w my seester && we drove straight there, to the dome. we had to get dressed in the car right before we stood in line (for 2.5hrs) && basically the whole concert I was fighting off a panic attack. but it was soo worth it! I got a t-shirt && was able to sneak in food&&drink ;)
we stayed at our grandmas house afterwards && left for home the next morning. it was INSANE to be in the same place as her, dudes! if anyone would like to, y'all should def check out the #redtour hashtag on instagram -- worth it :)

the openers were Casey James && Ed Sheeran. && I've never been to a concert where every single song (even from the openers) were good && worth the $$ I paid for to see the show. it was crazy good. oh haha && beforehand when we were waiting in line outside of the dome, there was this guy who was preaching about jesus. he even thru some things about tswift into the mix. it was totes annoyballz.

now back to the anxiety attacks.... I had such a bad one lastnight that my boyfs sister had to call for an ambulance for me :( the emt's ended up being dicks && were basically telling me that there was nothing that they could do for me && that there was nothing that I could do for myself too. oh && they even had the oddasity to say that they didnt have the "luxury" of staying here all night. so I sent them away && michael came home from work && I ended up calming right down. I even almost started back up a couple of hrs later, but didnt result into anything major. I also spent about 4hrs of today trying to calm myself down....



Music Recommendations:

• Wrecking Ball - Miley Cyrus
• Royals - Lorde  
  
  
  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  good wishes. good vibes. good thoughts.

  xx