Tuesday, December 10, 2013

5am blogging to milerz.

(backstory: its 5am & I havent gone to sleep yet -- so for me its still Dec 9th)


( high-flow nose cannula )
today marks a cf milestone for me. I dont really know what it is about today butttt this morning I woke up & just decided that I am fighting back against my cf & I'm not going down without a fight. right now I am getting ready for bed, but I've been in the best mood for the most part of today. its like I just decided that I'm fighting back & my body responded. I requested to be on a high-flow nose cannula last night before bed & only made it til mid day wearing it. it helped clear out my nose (sinus issues are starting), but my o2 was only at like 86 on that.. so I took myself off & just turned up my regular nose cannula to 4liters & my o2 bumped up to like 93. that should be the opposite right? thats what I thought too. the high-flow is supposed to force your lungs open & I just felt like I was doing it wrong. they keep telling me that theres no way to "do it wrong," but I just felt like I was taking these deep breaths the whole time. & it was making my heart pound from what I think was over-working it. I just didnt feel confident in myself to breathe on it.. if that makes sense?

so up until today, I've basically been a zombie. existing, responding, & functioning but just emotionless. I havent been wanting visitors. cuz I've just been sitting here like duhhhhhhhhhhhhh. no cares. no thoughts. no nothing. I was just trying to chalk it up to my high bloodsugars. so I'm  diabetic, right? & since I'm on steroid bursts & there's also dextrose (sugar) in my antibiotics, my bloodsugars have literally been 200s -- 300s -- 400s the ENTIRE time that I've been here.. which is like a week & a half. my eyesight is soo wonky, I cant see anything in the distance. so I have to realllly squint. but up close? things are clear! once again, I'm trying to just believe that its due to said high bloodsugars. idk.

this visit is a weird one. I've never experienced anything like it & everytime I come in, its something new or different. my body just doesnt respond to my antibiotics like they used to. when I was first admitted for my cf, I would leave here & not have to cough for literally a week! but thats long gone. when I leave now, it barely feels like a "tune up." its just like stabilizing it for what it can do. I definitely need to get into gear more for my pre testing for transplant.. because I'm almost done w it! I literally only have 3 more to do. I had one done today -- heart echo. & next will be the right heart cath. which I heard will be a catheter through my leg & I will be put out for it. thankgawd.

so I know its been awhile since I blogged last, but I was inspired by my brother to blog it all out :) so yeah!

good wishes. good vibes. good thoughts. & so it is.