Monday, October 28, 2013

hospital admission #917365478468461764816416819

yepp, I'm in the hospital again. I've been here about a week now && was already debating coming in a few days prior, but what really sent me in was that I was puking/coughing up plugs of mucus w straight blood. there was no green whatsoever, just redness. what the really weird thing was? was that I wasnt worried or scared by it. it was just happening && I just sat there like.. huh. my boyfriend was the one who was like "ohk, you need to call someone NOW." so we went into the ER at like 3am && didnt get into a normal room until 9am.
its been a hard week. I havent been able to eat that much && when I do, I usually cant keep it down.. I'm on 3different antibiotics (plus one for shingles) && it really takes a toll on my body. they always make me nauseous && the med they're giving me for my nausea, knocks me out 3x a day soo all I do is sleep. which would be fine, but I'm also a diabetic remember, so I have to wake up to check my bloodsugar n stuff.

but anyways, Michael is here now && staying w me a couple nights. which makes me soo happy! he's sleeping && I'm blogging. suh cute ;)

( your life is your message to the world )

its supposed to be vlogtober as I mentioned before, but I've really been failing at vlogging everyday. I think I've done it like 5times.. MAYBE.

NetFlix recommendations: Glee

good wishes. good vibes. good thoughts. && so it is.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

I call this "the trifecta of life."

first of all, its currently 5:22am && I'm doing my "night" treatment. the vest is going && all I can think is.. "to whoever created this thing, thankyou. you're a life saver. but also, I hate you. && this contraption."


mistakes. changes. moving on.

first up, mistakes. no one has the right to judge me. my mistakes have included a lot of health concerning stuff.. like: not always taking my daily meds, not doing my morning treatment, not going outside to take a walk, not giving into advice w health benefiting techniques, not always brushing my teeth, keeping my bloodsugars way too high, staying up way too late, trapping myself in my bedroom all day, not taking insulin as directed, letting my nose/almost polyps situation get out of hand, not being proactive w transplant testing, && finally (&& possibly most importantly), not fixing my mindset on how all of this is effecting me && my mental state. 

to my family&&friends reading this right now, keep in mind that all of these mistakes I've listed run thru my mind all damn day. I think about every single one all the time && they never slip my mind for one second. I really wanted to work on them from the very beginning, but the reality of my situation, that I call my life, brings me down more than it uplifts me. && so I lack motivation&&dedication to fix any of the things that I originally would want to prevent. xx

next? changes. admitting my mistakes is one of the first steps toward making my changes in life && health. I've already made some changes in the right direction on my own. I've started brushing my teeth everynight (not good enough, I know), been lowering my bloodsugars a bit, making myself do my night treatment no matter the time to actually get a treatment in for the day, backing off on the nose/polyps situation, && lastly - working on changing my attitude towards how things are going for me right now && trying to not let anyone effect my mood/how I act/what I do w myself.

last: moving on.


just finished up my treatment w cayston. I'm a little late w it cuz it was my first dose this month && as y'all know, its the 13th.. it feels like I havent done it in soo long. months fly by when you think back.. but when I look back at this, its different. && my meds usually arent like that. typically it always feels like I'm taking some pills or doing a treatment && so it comes to that time && you're like "ugh! I literally just did this.. didnt I?" 


I just want to give a shoutout to the 4 most important ladyfriends in my life right now :)

( Morgan, Hayley, Courtney, Jessica )

Morgan && Hayley are cysters of mine && I can literally talk to them about anything! I've gotten close w both very recently && us CF'rs can just click instantly over the aspect of CF alone. but since we go thru pretty much the same crap all day, everyday we connect on a really close level :)

Courtney && Jessica are both very important girls to me. they dont exactly know what I go thru w my CF on a personal level, but they try the best that they can. && they're always there for me making sure I know :)

I love you so much ladies !!!!


good wishes. good vibes. good thoughts. && so it is.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

// // // //

I feel sad && I reach for my pills.
not the kind you want, but the kind you need.
they are the sure product of lacking will.
I do not take these by choice, by any means.

yellow && green wash down my throat by water.
so many thoughts running thru my mind.
will this anxiety ever be slaughtered?
anxiety I do not wish to harm you, but will you be so kind?

motivation is the driving force behind this experiment.
if I fail at this, what will it mean?
&& if I win, I’ll need to know where it went.
I wont stand for it creeping back up on me.


Thursday, October 3, 2013

its vlogtober!

first of all....

&& secondly, its vlogtober! I actually just found out what vlogtober was yesterday && I had never heard of it before. but I think its really fitting, because this is the first year I've even started to vlog. it was just meant to be ;)
but anyways, the idea is that you vlog everyday for the month of october. && here are my first 2 entries..
not only am I doing vlogtober, but I'm also doing a photo challenge everyday. as of course, today is the 3rd, so I gotsta stay up to take a pic of the sunrise. not like I'm ever up for that anyways....  ;)

also.. in my last post I stated that I was diggin +Miley Cyrus again && its crazy, I know, but I'm INLOVE w her new cd BANGERZ! its amazingggg. 
favorite tracks:
  • Adore You
  • FU
  • Maybe You're Right
good wishes. good vibes. good thoughts. && so it is.