5am blogging to milerz.

(backstory: its 5am & I havent gone to sleep yet -- so for me its still Dec ❅ 9th)

 

( high-flow nose cannula )

today marks a cf milestone for me. I dont really know what it is about today butttt this morning I woke up & just decided that I am fighting back against my cf & I'm not going down without a fight. right now I am getting ready for bed, but I've been in the best mood for the most part of today. its like I just decided that I'm fighting back & my body responded. I requested to be on a high-flow nose cannula last night before bed & only made it til mid day wearing it. it helped clear out my nose (sinus issues are starting), but my o2 was only at like 86 on that.. so I took myself off & just turned up my regular nose cannula to 4liters & my o2 bumped up to like 93. that should be the opposite right? thats what I thought too. the high-flow is supposed to force your lungs open & I just felt like I was doing it wrong. they keep telling me that theres no way to "do it wrong," but I just felt like I was taking these deep breaths the whole time. & it was making my heart pound from what I think was over-working it. I just didnt feel confident in myself to breathe on it.. if that makes sense?


so up until today, I've basically been a zombie. existing, responding, & functioning but just emotionless. I havent been wanting visitors. cuz I've just been sitting here like duhhhhhhhhhhhhh. no cares. no thoughts. no nothing. I was just trying to chalk it up to my high bloodsugars. so I'm  diabetic, right? & since I'm on steroid bursts & there's also dextrose (sugar) in my antibiotics, my bloodsugars have literally been 200s -- 300s -- 400s the ENTIRE time that I've been here.. which is like a week & a half. my eyesight is soo wonky, I cant see anything in the distance. so I have to realllly squint. but up close? things are clear! once again, I'm trying to just believe that its due to said high bloodsugars. idk.

this visit is a weird one. I've never experienced anything like it & everytime I come in, its something new or different. my body just doesnt respond to my antibiotics like they used to. when I was first admitted for my cf, I would leave here & not have to cough for literally a week! but thats long gone. when I leave now, it barely feels like a "tune up." its just like stabilizing it for what it can do. I definitely need to get into gear more for my pre testing for transplant.. because I'm almost done w it! I literally only have 3 more to do. I had one done today -- heart echo. & next will be the right heart cath. which I heard will be a catheter through my leg & I will be put out for it. thankgawd.


so I know its been awhile since I blogged last, but I was inspired by my brother to blog it all out :) so yeah!


good wishes. good vibes. good thoughts. & so it is.
xx

i've got a secret....

....but ii cant && wont tell! ..yet ;)


soo. apart from my new style of typing, i'm pushing myself to do more treatments during the day. which is new for me. shouldnt be, sad ii know, but it is. deal w it :)
anyways, i'm trying for 3x a day. vest + cayston 3x a day, that is. pulmozyme once still (even though my dr said it can be done twice .. ii would be ordering it all the damn time if ii did that). && hts twice still. i'm hoping that it will increase my lung function to a number that will be "comfortable" enough for me on a daily basis. i'm so uncomfortable right now && all i'm doing is sitting here. typing.
ii did just attempt to tidy up my room, however. it really raised my heart rate && ii barely did much. picked up trash, rearranged some stuff, rearranged kitty's food/water, put clothes away, etc.

cant wait for our change....

the past 48hrs i've required oxygen pretty much the whole time. && ii really dont mind it. kinda wish ii was allowed to use it 24/7. def would make my life just a smidgen easier. but.. i'm not there. YET. however, since ii used it for quite awhile, it has helped. ii feel much better. i'm more positive, new outlook on this thing, feel like ii can breathe better (that may also be because i'm finally allowed breathing treatments .. H0SPITAL F00LS). the whole 2weeks ii was in, my dr wouldnt give me my breathing treatments. who does that?! he's really pissing me off lately. no way am ii letting that happen again! cuz it feels like those 4antibiotics didnt do a damn thing for me. not without any breathing treatments. idk how he could be so irresponsible.

so i've started something today. on tumblr, insta, && twitta! its called the ddlovato project && ii edited all of the pics && thought of all of the quotes. ii got the idea just from following +Demi Lovato's life w battling self-image issues/cutting patterns. she's so strong && i'm obsessed w her! i'll post the pic ii posted earlier:

soo lastnight michael took me on a date night && we went out to see TH0R2! it was UHmazing!!!! he's just so hawt. && then we ate at red robin :) it felt so nice to just have a legal beer w dinner. yumm.


NetFlix recommendations: one tree hill

good wishes. good vibes. good thoughts. && so it is.
xx

hospital admission #917365478468461764816416819

yepp, I'm in the hospital again. I've been here about a week now && was already debating coming in a few days prior, but what really sent me in was that I was puking/coughing up plugs of mucus w straight blood. there was no green whatsoever, just redness. what the really weird thing was? was that I wasnt worried or scared by it. it was just happening && I just sat there like.. huh. my boyfriend was the one who was like "ohk, you need to call someone NOW." so we went into the ER at like 3am && didnt get into a normal room until 9am.
its been a hard week. I havent been able to eat that much && when I do, I usually cant keep it down.. I'm on 3different antibiotics (plus one for shingles) && it really takes a toll on my body. they always make me nauseous && the med they're giving me for my nausea, knocks me out 3x a day soo all I do is sleep. which would be fine, but I'm also a diabetic remember, so I have to wake up to check my bloodsugar n stuff.


but anyways, Michael is here now && staying w me a couple nights. which makes me soo happy! he's sleeping && I'm blogging. suh cute ;)

( your life is your message to the world )

its supposed to be vlogtober as I mentioned before, but I've really been failing at vlogging everyday. I think I've done it like 5times.. MAYBE.

NetFlix recommendations: Glee



good wishes. good vibes. good thoughts. && so it is.
xx

I call this "the trifecta of life."

first of all, its currently 5:22am && I'm doing my "night" treatment. the vest is going && all I can think is.. "to whoever created this thing, thankyou. you're a life saver. but also, I hate you. && this contraption."

//

mistakes. changes. moving on.

first up, mistakes. no one has the right to judge me. my mistakes have included a lot of health concerning stuff.. like: not always taking my daily meds, not doing my morning treatment, not going outside to take a walk, not giving into advice w health benefiting techniques, not always brushing my teeth, keeping my bloodsugars way too high, staying up way too late, trapping myself in my bedroom all day, not taking insulin as directed, letting my nose/almost polyps situation get out of hand, not being proactive w transplant testing, && finally (&& possibly most importantly), not fixing my mindset on how all of this is effecting me && my mental state. 

to my family&&friends reading this right now, keep in mind that all of these mistakes I've listed run thru my mind all damn day. I think about every single one all the time && they never slip my mind for one second. I really wanted to work on them from the very beginning, but the reality of my situation, that I call my life, brings me down more than it uplifts me. && so I lack motivation&&dedication to fix any of the things that I originally would want to prevent. xx

next? changes. admitting my mistakes is one of the first steps toward making my changes in life && health. I've already made some changes in the right direction on my own. I've started brushing my teeth everynight (not good enough, I know), been lowering my bloodsugars a bit, making myself do my night treatment no matter the time to actually get a treatment in for the day, backing off on the nose/polyps situation, && lastly - working on changing my attitude towards how things are going for me right now && trying to not let anyone effect my mood/how I act/what I do w myself.

last: moving on.

//

just finished up my treatment w cayston. I'm a little late w it cuz it was my first dose this month && as y'all know, its the 13th.. it feels like I havent done it in soo long. months fly by when you think back.. but when I look back at this, its different. && my meds usually arent like that. typically it always feels like I'm taking some pills or doing a treatment && so it comes to that time && you're like "ugh! I literally just did this.. didnt I?" 

//

I just want to give a shoutout to the 4 most important ladyfriends in my life right now :)

( Morgan, Hayley, Courtney, Jessica )

Morgan && Hayley are cysters of mine && I can literally talk to them about anything! I've gotten close w both very recently && us CF'rs can just click instantly over the aspect of CF alone. but since we go thru pretty much the same crap all day, everyday we connect on a really close level :)

Courtney && Jessica are both very important girls to me. they dont exactly know what I go thru w my CF on a personal level, but they try the best that they can. && they're always there for me making sure I know :)

I love you so much ladies !!!!

 ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

good wishes. good vibes. good thoughts. && so it is.

xx 

// // // //

I feel sad && I reach for my pills.
not the kind you want, but the kind you need.
they are the sure product of lacking will.
I do not take these by choice, by any means.

◦

yellow && green wash down my throat by water.
so many thoughts running thru my mind.
will this anxiety ever be slaughtered?
anxiety I do not wish to harm you, but will you be so kind?

◦

motivation is the driving force behind this experiment.
if I fail at this, what will it mean?
&& if I win, I’ll need to know where it went.
I wont stand for it creeping back up on me.

NTD.

its vlogtober!

first of all....

 

&& secondly, its vlogtober! I actually just found out what vlogtober was yesterday && I had never heard of it before. but I think its really fitting, because this is the first year I've even started to vlog. it was just meant to be ;)

but anyways, the idea is that you vlog everyday for the month of october. && here are my first 2 entries..

 

 

 

 

 

 

not only am I doing vlogtober, but I'm also doing a photo challenge everyday. as of course, today is the 3rd, so I gotsta stay up to take a pic of the sunrise. not like I'm ever up for that anyways....  ;)

 

also.. in my last post I stated that I was diggin +Miley Cyrus again && its crazy, I know, but I'm INLOVE w her new cd BANGERZ! its amazingggg. 

 

favorite tracks:

• Adore You
• FU
• Maybe You're Right

 

 

 

 

 

 

good wishes. good vibes. good thoughts. && so it is.

xx